Legolas's Magical Breeches
by edgy wedgy
Summary: Sequel to Legolas's Magical Shoe. Legolas loses his pants and falls in love with many, many things. Stress on the word THINGS. Thranduil is not pleased.
1. Legolas's Magical Breeches

Legolas's Magical Breeches

Legolas's marriage to Flipper had long shattered. For one, Flipper didn't particularly like the name Legolas had given him (he was a spider) and left Legolas for a wife of his own species.

Legolas having grieved enough over Gollum decided to stay cool this time. Having no one to please, he spent his single life hanging around, relaxing.

His daily routine was boring, but nonetheless satisfying – get up, bathe, eat, bathe, climb trees, bathe, eat, bathe, go for a walk, bathe, eat, bathe, watch the stars, bathe and go to bed.

On one occasion, he had begun preparing to bathe in a particularly nice pond when he stripped off his breeches with a bit too much gusto.

The breeches flew out of sight and Legolas was left with a bare bottom.

He realised immediately that a prince should _never_ wander around pant less, so of course he began wandering around immediately half naked attempting to find them.

After wandering around for a considerable amount of time, occasionally hearing the sound of female giggling, Legolas finally found them.

And there they were, hanging high on the branches of an extremely tall tree.

Legolas proceeded to climb the tree. He had climbed many trees in his long life, but this one seemed so much more of a challenge. His bare legs were scratched and he was always conscious that any passer by could just look up and see his uncovered backside.

He climbed quicker and soon reached the villainous branch that caused him so much trouble. He grabbed his pants and put them on presto and began to climb down.

He did not make it. He was caught by the absolute beauty of the tree and gazed at it with longing eyes.

The tree had to be his one true love – it was quiet and strong, something Legolas always looked for in a partner. Legolas hugged it many times and climbed to its highest point to "face" it.

Meanwhile, Thranduil who had not heard from his son for quite a while now started to get worried. He sent one of Legolas's many brothers to go find Legolas and bring him back.

Unfortunately, Legolas's brother met Flipper's wife and she, thinking Legolas's brother was the horrendous Legolas himself (because those elves all look bloody identical) who her darling was always talking about, gave him a good kick and sent into a big ditch into the ground.

Legolas's brother could find no way of getting out and was stuck.

Legolas was left undisturbed and he and the tree (which he named Fang) both said, "I do" and lived together lovingly.

The End.

&This is getting really stupid. I've now written THREE of these. Boredom is overtaking me. Does anyone know any of the names of any of Legolas's many brothers? If so, please tell me so I don't have to keep writing "Legolas's brother". Thanks.


	2. Legolas's Magical Arrow

Paladin Dragoon, I hope you're reading this, because this one's for you.

Legolas's Magical Arrow

It had been a few more decades since his argument with his dad and Legolas (clever, handsome Legolas) decided it was time to make amends with Thranduil.

Hence he farewelled his beautiful brown oak love and set off toward the palace. However, due to his lack of activity since settling down, three times I might add, he had gotten a little unaccustomed to the parts of the forest and soon got lost.

So, after much deliberation, he decided to send out a message for help. He swung his bow across his arm and pulling so the string was taut, he released an arrow straight into the sky.

And what a magnificent shot it was! It was astounding! It flew hight into the air before turning one hundred and eighty degrees and shooting straight toward the ground and hitting something with a loud snap.

Unfortunately for Legolas, he had spent much of his married days impressing his "wives" with none other than his amazing aim. Having done so, that was is last arrow and he had to go fetch it, mend it, and try another help message.

The (tall, blonde) elf searched far and wide, and, had he not been so absorbed in looking for a thin stick that was broken, he might have noticed a thick walled castle that he had passed by many times. Or the ditch in the ground that his poor brother was trapped in.

However, Legolas was ignorant to all and determined as ever to find that arrow.

He found it, eventually, and could have easily fixed it up because an elf of his stature, well, why else do all the women love him? But he was distracted. Oh yes.

The arrow had hit upon a stone.

Legolas had fallen in love. Again. You wonder why all the women love him though, don't you? You'd think all this mingling with lifeless, sexless objects would put them off, but what do you know?

Legolas stared at the stone, amazed that anything could be so beautiful. He picked it up. It was no bigger than the palm of his hand and almost as flat as a leaf. It could, of course, pass for a slate, but the idea of loving a slate didn't appeal to Legolas. The idea of loving a stone did, and Legolas immediately named it "Bulgy".

He carried it cherishingly in his had, making sure it got enough sunlight and water. It granted Legolas its hand in marriage and Legolas burst into tears.

He forgot about Thranduil and settled down with Bulgy for an uneventful life.

&&

There will be more in the Legolas's Magical Items series. Eventually. For now, you can go read Legolas's Magical Journey, which talks more about him. Have fun.


	3. Loss Of A Loved One

The Loss Of A Loved One

The sun was setting, splashing the sky with orange. A light breeze blew. Legolas was sitting opposite his love, the rock he had named Bulgy, and looking deep into its "eyes". His love "looked" back lovingly.

            Legolas blushed and looked at his lap, before looking back at Bulgy once more. "I love you," he said softly, "Did you know?" Then he giggled. "Of course you did!" It was an aesthetically pleasing evening.

            Suddenly, the sky darkened. Clouds clouded the sky while lightning lit it up. Legolas clutched his love protectively.

            A loud crack was heard and a voice boomed. "YOU HAVE BEEN UNFAITFUL, OH FAITHLESS ONE!"

            Legolas froze. What in middle earth was the voice talking about? He'd legally left his previous loves before attaching himself to new ones. "I haven't been unfaithful!" he cried indignantly.

            "NO! NOT YOU!" the voice yelled back, sounding annoyed, "THE SLATE!"

            Legolas froze again. It couldn't – but bulgy – could it – no, never – but the voice – " You mean Bulgy?" he asked.

            There was no reply.

            "The slate," called Legolas, "Bulgy the slate!"

            "YES…" the voice answered dubiously.

            "But Bulgy LOVES me!" wept Legolas, "He'd never stray!"

            "OH BUT HE DID!" shrieked the voice excitedly, "HE MUST BE PUNISHED!"

            "No!" wailed Legolas and tucked the slate deep into his shirt, "You shan't hurt my love!"

            "HA! YOU THINK A ROCK KNOWS WHAT IT'S BEING KISSED BY?" A giant sucking sound filled the air. The voice was trying to suck Bulgy away!

            Legolas held Bulgy tightly to his chest.

            "GIVE IT UP!" scoffed the voice, "IT'S NO GOOD ANYWAY. YOU'RE A PRETTY LADDIE, GO FIND YOURSELF A NICE WIFE, A _REAL_ WIFE."

            But Legolas had learnt long ago that wives just weren't the same as rocks. He curled into a ball and held Bulgy tighter to him.

            The sucking sound grew stronger and stronger and stronger before suddenly dying out. It had claimed Bulgy, as well as all of Legolas's clothing, leaving Legolas alone on the humus covered forest floor.

            There Legolas lay, curled up, unmoving, unconscious and unclothed.

TBC….


	4. Acquisition of Covering and New Love

Thank you reviewers (and readers)! I agree with your comments about Legolas though I would like to point out that I am neither mad nor weird nor obsessed with Legolas (or so I like to think).

The Acquisition Of Covering And New Love

When Legolas woke up he was very, very unhappy. He was in a lot of pain from exerting all that energy to stay in an uncomfortably tight position during the giant vacuuming winds the previous night. He was completely naked save for a leaf that had blown itself to cover his…private parts. 

                  But worst of all, he had just lost his love who he discovered had been cheating on him. 

"Oh cruel world!" he howled, "Why must you torment me so? You have made a miserable elf of me, why must I suffer so much at once?"

                  And suddenly the leaf blew away. Legolas collapsed, unable to take anymore.

                  When he came to, Legolas was filled with newfound motivation to get his life back on track. But first he needed clothing.

                  His royal backside was not used to leaves, so Legolas decided, "Proper clothing, or no clothing at all!" And set off to search for his clothes. Nakedly.

                  He wandered and searched and looked and sought. All was in vain. Legolas sat down, disheartened, and fell immediately into a large ditch.

                  He stumbled and brandished his arms around, trying to scramble out. He was however, distracted, for before his eyes fabric floated. Legolas's arms swung at this newly discovered attire.

                  Now, this was but the same ditch that Legolas's brother had gotten kicked into and had been stuck in for the past two decades. The empty mess had driven him mad and at first sight of Legolas, he saw a ladder. So while Legolas yanked off his brother's clothes, his brother clambered over him.

                  Soon each elf had what they wanted. As Legolas put on his "new" clothes, his brother ran off, in the nude, back to the palace. Upon his arrival, many things happened. They were not pleasant.

                  Meanwhile, Legolas was sitting happily in the ditch and sighing with content. He suddenly noticed his surroundings, and boy was it gorgeous.

                  The ditch was a stunning ditch, more stunning than any of his previous loves. "Will you marry me?" asked Legolas shyly and the ditch agreed. So Legolas lived with, or rather, inside Tiny. He was a very happy elf. 

The end. (Or is it? No it's not. It never is.) Thank you for reading. Please get yourself a cool drink while I work out how many more loves Legolas has to go through. In the meantime, feel free to read Legolas's other adventures.


	5. The Effects of Complaint

Thank you for reviewing! Here is chapitare numbere fivere. Er…chapter five.

The Effects Of Complaint

"What's the matter Legolas?" asked Tiny in its deep voice, "Why do you sit like that?"

            Legolas was sitting with his arms around his knees and his head tucked into his chest. He was shaking.

            "Tell me what's wrong Legolas, I may be able to help you."

            Legolas let out a wail and, if possible, condensed. Finally he whispered, "I'm scared."

            The ditch broke into hearty laughter which brought Legolas's head up. "Scared?" it roared, "What have you to be scared of when I'm here to protect you? I'm all around you!"

            "That's exactly what I'm scared of!" Legolas snapped.

            The ditch stopped laughing. It looked at Legolas. Legolas didn't look too well. His eyes were blood shot and sunken and his normally enviable hair was grassy and matted to his face.

            "You're scared of me?" Tiny asked slowly.

            Legolas lowered his head.

            "But why, Legolas? I thought you loved me."

            "I did love you," Legolas muttered, "When the sun was shining, when the pretty autumn leaves had just fallen. When I was _clean_."

            Tiny shrunk away. "Please don't be this way."

            But Legolas suddenly stood up. "You're all around me!" he shouted, "Three hundred and sixty degrees, and you fill every one of those! Where can I go without you seeing me, watching me like a hawk? There's one of me, and a million of you. I can't win!"

            "Well if that's what's bothering you—"

            "But wait, there's more. When it's light, it's not so bad. But after the sun sets, it's just me, in a DITCH. Do you know how bad it smells in here?"

            "Why Legolas, I never knew—"

            "Do you now what happens when it _rains_? This whole place floods and it takes weeks for the water to disappear!"

            "Gosh Legolas—" if a ditch could recoil, it did just that.

            "You know what?" Legolas suddenly lowered his voice, and Tiny backed off further, giving Legolas more space. "I've had it! I'm leaving! I'm returning to father!" he cried patriotically.

            However, when Legolas looked about him, seeing the enlarged ditch, he panicked. "Tiny," he called, "Tiny, are you still here?"

            But Tiny had gone, leaving forever with many emotional scars.

Oh no! Tiny's gone! Or is he/she/it?


	6. Stuck In A Ditch

Yes, the ditch leaving would leave Legolas trapped in the ground. But let us not forget that Legolas isn't exactly sane. Thanks for the reviews. They are ever insightful. Honest!

Stuck In A Ditch

"Tiny!" shrieked Legolas, stamping his foot. "Ugh! How am I going to get out?" And, at that moment, a wonderful idea popped into his head that he thought someone had whispered it to him.

            Indeed his thoughts were true, for a monkey passing by felt so sorry for the delusional and desperate elf that he hung low on branch and muttered, "Wait for the next monsoonal period and float out when the water fills up the ditch and rises."

            Of course this was a stupid idea, and the monkey knew it. As much as the monkey pitied Legolas, he couldn't help but set him up for a horrible shock. Perhaps it is just a monkey's nature to laugh at other's suffering.

            He swung away, leaving Legolas waiting happily. And happily did he wait, for he was confident that he would soon be getting out.

            He waited.

            And waited.

            And waited.

            And kept waiting till finally did it rain. Legolas had never been so glad in his life. "Oh glorious rain!" he laughed, "I would marry you if you were not but mere water!" And he paused to ponder this. Did it matter that rain was just water?

            No, Legolas decided, it didn't!

            Legolas, however, did not marry the water that day (rest assured), but watched it gleefully as it swam around his ankles, giggling when it entered his shoes.

            His joy was short lived, for the rain soon stopped and Legolas had to live in knee-deep water. When it rained again, the water that he had "stored" had shallowed by half and the new load merely brought it waist high.

            The weather soon got cold, and Legolas, sick of waiting, decided to hibernate. Not that he had much choice. This was rather unfortunate because he missed the frenzied calls of possible aid.

            Then one day, Thranduil himself came to see his son's newfound accommodation. Legolas's brother had finally decided to relive the horrors and speak up. The soldiers who went with him saw a pathetic shape buried in the ice. 

            "Get him out of there," ordered Thranduil crossly, and the soldiers got to work. They all removed their breeches and sat on the ice, hoping to melt it. Unfortunately, the thick layer of frost required more than cold backsides to melt it that the poor elves soon found their rears frozen to it.

            "This isn't working," observed Thranduil, and thought for a bit. "We're leaving. We'll come back in spring when he has thawed."

            And so Legolas lay in the ice for many more months.

            Spring came, flowers blossomed, yet the ice refused to liquefy. A very upset Thranduil arrived once more and wept over the loss of his surplus child.

            He turned on the waterworks, and, as his tears hit the ice, the coolness disappeared and the ice turned to water. It was his hidden love that set Legolas free.

Aw…how sweet. Almost saccharine…

Yes, ok, now let's just press the arrow button that produces a new window and start typing! 


	7. Complimenting Gone Wrong

Love the reviews. Almost every one of them seemed to be saying, "Legolas is so stupid!" Thanks, mates.

Complimenting Gone Wrong

"Look at me, ada, look at me!" Legolas waved his arms around as he stood on a branch. "I can stay up here with no hands!"

            Thranduil looked up from his book, his content expression morphing into one of alarm.

            "Legolas! What are you doing up there? That tree is much too high and you are much too young!"

            Legolas quickly grabbed onto the trunk and lowered himself down the branches.

            "Ignorant boy," cursed Thranduil under his breath.

            Legolas was almost halfway down when an eagle suddenly flew by and grasped him in its talons. 

            Legolas screamed.

It soared high into the air and Legolas watched as his father's upset figure got smaller and his cries of "where are you going son?" got softer.

            "Where are you taking me?" Legolas demanded. When the eagle did not reply, Legolas started weeping. 

            The eagle let out a sharp screech and let go of the elfling. Legolas wept harder as he fell, and landed in a nest. An incredibly ugly elf peered down at him.

            Legolas screamed again.

            "Stop it!" shouted the eagle.

            Legolas screamed harder.

            "Stop it, STOP IT LEGOLAS!" The eagle started hitting him with a stick.

            "Ow!" cried Legolas, bringing his arms up to block the blows

            "Legolas! LEGOLAS, STOP IT! WAKE UP!"

            Legolas woke up. He sat up and looked around. He was in his bed, in his room, in the palace. He was HOME. There were two elves by his bed.

            "Eh," said one of them, "He's still alive."

            "Ai!" screamed Legolas. It was the really ugly elf! He quickly covered his mouth.

            The elf scowled and left. The other elf smiled at him. "How are you feeling?" she asked kindly.

            But Legolas only heard violins.

            "You're…you're beautiful!" he said.

            The elf looked at her lap. "Why, thank you Legolas," she said.

            Legolas frowned. "You remind me of someone, someone I used to love…"

            The elf looked back up at him, her smile fading a bit.

            "You…you look like Flipper!" he exclaimed at last.

            "Flipper?" asked the she-elf, curious, "What sort of name is Flipper?"

            "Oh, I named him!" said Legolas proudly.

            "Him?"

            "Yeah, he's a spider. A great big hairy spider!" Legolas sat back to better admire her resemblance. He watched as her face started to contort. 

            Then, in a flash, she was gone, and Legolas clutched at his stinging cheek. "Honestly," he muttered, "Give them a compliment and they storm off. Women."

Wait, pressing the arrow button leads to a new chapter and, inevitably, a pop up ad. Typing will do you no good whatsoever. I was wrong.


	8. Confessions

Sorry for not updating, but I'm back! Tada! With a new chapter of Legolas's "exciting" love life. Read and yearn, because marrying rocks where I come from is illegal...

**Confessions**

"My lord!"

Thranduil groaned, "Yes?" he asked impatiently.

The messenger looked uneasy. "I er...I have bad – um – I have news – um – bad stuff – news..."

Thranduil massaged his temples. "Go on."

The messenger stood, motionless.

Thranduil looked at him. "Well go on!" he barked, waving an arm, "Tell me the news!"

The messenger stumbled forward. "I'm afraid Legolas...is dead. He...fell off a wall."

"Colour me pink!" yelled Thranduil, "Princess Odiumine is coming today! Legolas needs to be here to meet her!" He got up and began pacing.

"That boy...when I get my hands on him—"

"My lord!"

"Yes?" asked Thranduil, stopping mid step.

"Princess Odiumine is waiting!"

Thranduil made an anguished noise and thrashed his arms about. "Stupid Legolas! Stupid Odiumine!"

At that moment Odiumine walked in. Thranduil froze. Realising how unhinged he looked, he chuckled weakly. "Welcome, Odiumine. Take a seat. Please."

The princess smiled and sat down.

"I expect your journey was pleasant?" asked Thranduil, hoping to stall.

"Oh yes," smiled the Princess, "It was very lovely indeed. But first, let me meet this Legolas of yours."

Thranduil swallowed. "I er, I'm um – I'm afraid that he – er – he is—"

"My lord!"

Thranduil smiled genuinely. "Yes!"

"Legolas is not dead! He is merely injured. He will be here momentarily."

Thranduil sighed, relieved. The princess sat forward and looked at him questioningly. He waved a finger at her.

Almost immediately Legolas strolled in with a red handprint on one cheek.

"Legolas!" cried Thranduil, "You're here! Come meet Princess Odiumine."

Legolas tried to smile but ended up showing a lot of teeth instead. What an...interesting looking she elf, he thought, she looks almost like...Arwen... "Nice to meet you," he said, before turning to Thranduil.

"My lord?" he asked.

Thranduil tilted his head towards Odiumine. Legolas shook his head and frowned. What on earth was Thranduil getting at? Thranduil kept motioning his head at Odiumine, and pointed at Legolas, making kissy faces.

Legolas raised his eyebrows. Thranduil made the imaginary kissing more unambiguous. This would have continued much longer, had the elf Legolas had previously compared to a spider not burst in.

"Odie!" she cried breathlessly, "Don't marry Legolas! He's an arachnophile!"

It took a few seconds of heavy silence for her words to register. Then, everyone started talking at once.

"I'm not marrying her!"

"Legolas is a _what_?"

"How would _you_ know?"

"He loves a spider!"

"Quiet!" yelled Thranduil at last. "Lets all take turns. I'll go fir—"

"I'm not marrying her!" broke in Legolas, "She's ugly! I'd rather marry her," and he pointed to the nameless elf.

"I'm ugly!" roared Odiumine, "Gromal here looks like one of the spiders we passed!"

"Hey!" cried Gromal.

"Well," said Legolas smugly, "I've done it once before, I can do it again."

"Hey!" cried Gromal automatically. Suddenly, the implication of Legolas's words hit all present and a gasp rang around the room.

Thranduil's face was full of anger. "You did not just tell us of your marriage to a spider," he said, dangerously quietly.

"Actually I did," corrected Legolas, unaware his father was looking more and more like a kettle. He went on to add: "I have more to tell. I've also married a tree, a rock, a ditch...and Gollum!"

Thranduil's face was so red he looked like he was bleeding. "Gollum now rests in our dungeons. How dare you marry him!"

"Gollum!" cried Legolas, and in his face joy and hope shone. Merrily, he skipped out of the room.

Where has he gone?! Find out next time in...LEGOLAS'S MAGICAL BREECHES!


End file.
